Kindness and Understanding

October 22, 2008 at 7:12 pm (Faith, Rants, Struggles)

I have been full of stupid mistakes in my life, and there are times, when I am feeling low, that I am ruled by those mistakes rather than by the successes that I have experienced. Maybe I am misunderstanding something in my literal interpretation of the Bible. Perhaps I don’t understand normal and natural limitations on what is “acceptable” within the Christian community. And I’m not even talking about domestic discipline: I’m talking about open and honest discussion of PREGNANCY!

Apparently talking about pregnancy, trying to conceive, or marital issues is offensive to some people. I guess that my selfish and stupid love of an animal makes me naive and “very young.” Maybe I give the impression by my writing that I am in my teens or very early twenties. I am pushing thirty faster than I would like to admit, and I don’t consider myself “very young” though I’m sure to some that’s barely starting life.

I guess that many Christians feel the need so to evangelize and to change minds that they forget about the hearts of the people they are trying to change. Let us remember that it is Satan who works in the mind and God who works in the heart. To those who forget this principle, please remember that it is the heart you are working to change when you evangelize, not the mind.

Everybody says hurtful things now and again. I think that we all get angry from time to time. Some of us have more of a filter than others, and I am one of those who does not yet have enough experience to have the control that some possess. I am working on it, and if I need your help, for goodness sake I’ll ask for it!

The thing is that there is a way of gently pointing out when a mistake is made. Moderators on some forums to which I belong are pros at this, and I would currently like to highlight Traditional Christian Marriage as one of these wonderful caring communities with moderators who are seriously invested in the betterment of the Christian and the DD community. It’s a great group to join, but does require approval and the owners are very busy people, so please give them some time if you decide to apply for membership!

The first thing I did when I began to overcome anger and reached that time when I was feeling hurt, vulnerable and frightened was to go there and seek guidance. I didn’t go to my own forum or even to my blog. I went to TCM, where I know that people will read, understand, and support rather than tear down. You kill far more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.

I’ve been through a lot in the past few weeks, and I’m feeling very lonely right now. My faith is shaken to the core because when something like this happens I begin to wonder how God could possibly love me and want me when I’m such a terrible person as to receive such hateful comments in my inbox. Perhaps the comments weren’t intended to come across as hateful, but they hurt me a great deal at a time when I wasn’t emotionally equipped to handle anything more.

I need time to really think about where I want to go from here. In my previous life people weren’t so critical of one another, at least within the context of the faith I practiced. I find that with Christianity everyone seems to always be looking for some way of changing another person and making them more “right.” I guess it makes people feel good to be “right.” I don’t evangelize because I feel that it is inappropriate and can damage the growing relationship with God that the individual on the receiving end may be experiencing.

I am too new and fragile to face strong negative criticism. There are ways to be constructive and I feel that all moderators need to know the value of being constructive in criticism. How about something like “Your site looks beautiful and I’m sure that it will help many people, but we simply don’t feel that it is appropriate for our members to see it at this time.” For the record, I’m not talking about a DD site but a Christian Women’s site that focuses on pregnancy and parenting. That is a lot better than telling someone that their site is “embarrassing” and that they are “very young.”

I’m crumbling, dear readers. I am too vulnerable and often too weak to be able to handle things like this without God right by my side and at this moment I’m feeling abandoned by Him. I reacted to the message I received rather than really giving it enough thought or venting or calling my husband first. I allowed myself to become more hurt than I should have permitted and I feel that I failed in that regard, too. I have free will and can choose to continue to associate with a site like that. So why do I tend to want to stick around?

The truth is that I am a glutton for punishment. I experience guilt still, though I usually deal with it when the occasion arises. But now I am feeling so wrong for something that is important to me. If Christianity means having to give up every single one of my hobbies (and I’ve given up a lot of things that were important to me because I felt that it was what God wanted me to do), I don’t know that I can do that. If God thinks that everything about me is wrong, doesn’t that by extension mean that He thinks that I am wrong?

I can’t pray right now. I don’t have the energy to do so. It isn’t that I’m angry with God, but that I feel as though I shouldn’t bother him with such stupid problems. Obviously the more seasoned (older) Christians are right and I am wrong. So why bother God with this problem? I hear it all the time. Everything I believe is wrong and called into question, and I didn’t think I believed all that differently from most Christians! Perhaps I just don’t trust God to help me right now as I don’t trust my husband to comfort me when I’m feeling like this. Wounds from childhood that I can’t seem to overcome.

I can’t pray, so I suppose that it would be helpful if others could pray for me. I feel lost and am about to give up my faith entirely if something doesn’t change and this insanity doesn’t stop!