This morning I posted a rather lengthy blog entry that neared 2000 words. I had a lot to get out of my system after not having written for quite some time, and was shocked to see that within thirty minutes of my posting, I had a comment from His Bella. My assumption is that she found this blog through wordpress because her own blog is hosted through wordpress. She must even type as fast as I do!
I have not, for the record, dug back through my own posts, but I believe that I have addressed this issue briefly in the past. However, my thoughts have not been quite clear for quite some time and I believe I might have managed to confuse the issue more than clarify it.
I am going to start and end with complete honesty. Honesty is more than just my policy, it is my way of life. I want everyone who reads this blog to know who I am and what I represent in terms of the lifestyle that I live (though I won’t be giving out personal details. Sorry!). Anyway, here goes.
I have been interested in spanking and “impact play” since I was too young to remember. My first real memory of really thinking about the subject was when I was four years old. That should tell you something. This interest has been with me for so long that it is completely ingrained in my personality and who I am. I can’t escape it and it will always be with me (for as long as I live, I’m sure!).
When I was seventeen years old, I first got the internet. I found a chat room that interested me and began to do some internet role play in chat rooms. The room did primarily fantasy play, but it wasn’t long before suddenly spanking came into the picture in the form of internet age play. I loved this! I was getting a need filled that I didn’t realize was ever going to be filled.
As a result of my obvious interest, I was referred to #submission on Dalnet. I joined the channel and occasionally chatted there, but not nearly as much as I spent time in the previously mentioned room. Around the time that I turned eighteen, I posted some personals ads on various sites (including the old hotmail personals ads) and I met a man, a master. We learned and grew a great deal together just through e-mail discussions, and as a result, I got kicked out of #submission (they thought we were both the same person! What a riot!). I moved on to another channel, and it was there that I felt that I truly discovered and learned my true calling.
Age play and domination and submission are great, but they weren’t really fulfilling for me. I had my moments where age play really helped me to reach a cathartic point not through sensation, but through the attached emotions. I just loved it! However, what I discovered in that second Dalnet channel was the Gorean way of life. It wasn’t explained to me in that way at the time, but I quickly adopted the mindset of a slave, and it stayed with me for a very long time. I sought out men who considered themselves dominant or “masters” and I sought out a few women who considered themselves “mistresses.” I ate it up, and when I really discovered Gor (for real), I truly felt in my element.
Please understand that I have never been attached to the “fantasy” element of Gor. I don’t do any services that involve fantastic food or drink (the food and drink of Gor) but my mindset was and has remained that of a Gorean woman, whether that woman is in bondage or not. I felt at home, and I felt filled up with something that was a dream come true. Though I have never been in a “real life” relationship with a Gorean man, I have known several (in real life) and have yearned for it for a very long time.
When I first met my husband, he was interested in BDSM and the master/slave power exchange, but not in Gor. I fell in love with him, but felt frustrated with his disinterest in what meant so much to me. I saw the potential in a strong dominant personality, and I saw the potential to get my attitude and defiance under control. Gor took away the necessity to be submissive in order to be a slave. I could be dominant and still be a slave, and I loved that!
The problem was always my desire (not need, but desire) to be in control. I was bratty, and I believe that my husband gave up hope. I felt that he wasn’t taking control, and would hand out and withdraw my submission and consent on such a regular basis that it embarrasses me now. I was in the wrong place during the wrong point in my life, and I had forgotten why I was there in the first place.
I haven’t always been a Christian. In fact, until about eight months ago, I was a very determined pagan who believed that I was right and the rest of the world could go to hell. I would never have phrased it quite that way to anybody, but that’s how I felt. I won’t go into how and why things changed for me, as I’ve done that already in other posts (two, I believe).
The conversion did a few things to me. The first thing was that it made me angry. Suddenly I saw myself identified as a woman, and as a woman as less than my husband. I lacked understanding of my role within my relationship with my husband and therefore fought tooth and nail for what I felt that I “deserved.” There is that selfishness again, right?
However, after several months I began to think again about domestic discipline (something that has always been present alongside the master/slave power exchange for us). I joined some groups, did some talking and some reading, and began to understand what it meant. I will have to copy and paste a post that I made in my myspace blog to here to give you an idea of what I mean by the change, particularly as the real change occurred only over the weekend!
My mindset has been gradually changing, and I have gradually come to understand myself, my place in the world, and I have learned to identify myself differently. I no longer identify myself as a slave, or even as a woman: I identify myself as HIS wife. It’s specific, because each relationship is inherently different, and there are things that make us unique compared to other couples. Every household is run differently. It is important for me to identify myself as his.
Anyone who has participated in the BDSM or the master/slave world might understand that last sentence. I am HIS. My identity is AS HIS. Our dynamic is no different than it was before, but our closeness and my identity is different. One other thing that has changed is that rather than both of us being self-focused, we are learning to be centered on one another. This is an improvement in our relationship FOR US. Your mileage may vary, of course!
The master/slave dynamic is still there, but there is no power transfer as there used to be (I hate the term exchange because it isn’t accurate in terms of BDSM). Instead, we have a true power exchange. He empowers me through his dominance and I empower him through my submission, in particularly when this submission is given to him as a gift rather than out of obligation.
His Bella suggested that I am a dominant. First of all, I am a grammar freak and don’t accept dominant as a noun (I’m laughing here, so you should be, too!). It is an adjective. Am I a dominant woman? Absolutely, positively YES. However, I choose to behave in a submissive manner because that is what is pleasing to my spouse and what I crave deep within my heart.
The belly of a wife can burn just as brightly as the belly of a slave. We just use different terms!