Domestic Discipline and Rules

This is the first part of a series that I’m beginning to work on for people who are new to DD and in particular CDD. Please provide any feedback you feel would be helpful and let me know what you feel I can do to continue to help those who are new to DD. Thank you in advance!


I try to be an observative person. I follow a blog or two and am a member of several domestic discipline forums and groups (most of which are listed to the left). All too frequently I read about people who are new to domestic discipline and are feeling frustrated about one problem or another that they perceive within their relationship. While once in awhile you’ll hear from a frustrated man, most of the time these frustrated individuals are women.

The vast majority of the frustration I see is caused by an inconsistency by the head of household (HoH).

In most cases, when a domestic discipline lifestyle is in effect, it is the woman who brings the idea to the man. I have noticed search engine searches on this blog that relate to woman wanting their husbands to punish them. Unquestionably, these woman are looking for ways to talk to their husbands about domestic discipline. While I will (eventually) address that issue, for now I will direct you to Sara’s Blog.

The issue that I want to address now, in this time, is the issue of rules.

When my husband and I first started on our road towards domestic discipline, I was put in the position of creating my own rules. At the time, I was so desperate for him to take control that I created a large number of rules rather than keeping the list short, sweet and simple. I figured that if I had more areas where I could make mistakes, he had more areas where he could take control.

However, this laundry list of rules (about 15 rules long), resulted in him feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. Because he was overwhelmed, he didn’t punish me when I broke the rules. Much of the time I was acting out in order to get a reaction and to “test” whether or not he had remembered the rules in the first place! I became frustrated because of his lack of consistency, blamed him, and then promptly gave up. If he didn’t care, why should I?

The truth was that he did care, and chances are, your husband cares too. However, none of “my” rules really focused on my true weak points, nor did they affect our marriage, either positively or negatively. In those days, I didn’t truly understand the needs of a man, and I was focusing the rules round getting him to express his authority, rather than around true self improvement.

Communication is important. Discuss with your head of household what areas he thinks you need to work on, and explain to him where you are struggling. Then try to start out with a maximum of three rules. Right now my husband and I have two: Respect and obedience. I don’t get punished a lot, but I prefer it that way — you shouldn’t want to be punished anyway. And he is able to be consistent with these issues, because he isn’t having to punish me every other day!

I hope this helps some of you who are seeing!



  1. Tigger said,

    November 7, 2008 at 1:56 am

    I really enjoyed this post – and I can totally relate. I too have tried to push my husband into control, with many of the same results. Only when I sat down with him and told him in no uncertain terms what I needed, did I actually get it. We were able to find a happy medium, where he didn’t feel overwhelmed, and I wasn’t feeling neglected.

  2. Devin said,

    November 11, 2008 at 12:00 pm

    That’s so good to hear, Tigger!

    I am dealing currently with the communication issue and finding the balance between letting him know what I need and submitting to his decisions. It is difficult at times, but so worthwhile!

  3. dude12 said,

    November 26, 2009 at 5:24 am

    I don’t know if this site is just for women but I don’t care. I like what I’m reading and I wanna sit down with my spouse and have our discussion about this whole thing so we can find something worthwhile

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