The Sexual Needs of a Woman

October 1, 2008 at 12:01 am (Marriage)
Tags: Marriage, sex

I received the following comment tonight, and rather than do my usual and reply with a comment, I decided to reply with a post because I think that the issue is important and the post might help some others (men and women alike).

The comment is as follows:

Hi There,

Need your help here, had the same thing happen in my first marriage. And I worked so hard at it too,,,and yes I have the whole abandonment issue, rejection thing working in my head too.

I sent my ex the verse that says his body is mine and mine is his and that we should not deny each other accept when we mutually agree and that we should only be apart for a season.

I am asking a question that is not going to make it better and I apologize, because I think after a number of years I am still perturbed.

Why is it that as Christian wives everyone can point out the nine hundred things that Christian wives miss the boat on. Shucks, we point them out to ourselves; but the one they miss is a-ok? The Bible doesn’t say. ‘well, you were a little rotten today so none for you’. It says do not deny your spouse.

My sex drive was higher than my ex’s also, but I was a good girl when I was growing up and when I got married I was looking forward to a fun sex life. No, not hardly. And what about the marriage bed being undefiled,,,,,

This one is tough for me and yes Sis, I am projecting. So you end up spanked for having a fit,,,,ok. So, yes, having fits is not allowed, but no is,,,,,?

And yes, as wives we are supposed to submit, you would not forgive yourself for saying no,,,,,but how is his no okay in a Christian marriage? I continue to struggle with this one.

And yes, when people love each other and are trying it all works out in the end. Hmmm, I do not want to live with that rejection again — how do you handle that place? No one plans for it, no one wants it or expects it. I lived three celibate years. I do not want to live that life again, and I am not quite as fertile either, :=). Are you guys working on a plan for you to have your needs met?

Continue reading for my response:

First of all, I think that it’s easy for us, particularly as women, to see the points in the Bible that are directed towards us, and the commandments that God gave to women. We read books for women and I’m sure I’m not the only woman who reads the Women’s Study Bible either. We focus on Titus 2 and Proverbs 31 and forget Genesis Chapter 2. A reminder is below:

1 Thus the heavens and the earth, and all the host of them, were finished. 2 And on the seventh day God ended His work which He had done, and He rested on the seventh day from all His work which He had done. 3 Then God blessed the seventh day and sanctified it, because in it He rested from all His work which God had created and made.
4 This is the history^[a] of the heavens and the earth when they were created, in the day that the LORD God made the earth and the heavens, 5 before any plant of the field was in the earth and before any herb of the field had grown. For the LORD God had not caused it to rain on the earth, and there was no man to till the ground; 6 but a mist went up from the earth and watered the whole face of the ground.
7 And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being.

Life in God’s Garden

8 The LORD God planted a garden eastward in Eden, and there He put the man whom He had formed. 9 And out of the ground the LORD God made every tree grow that is pleasant to the sight and good for food. The tree of life was also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.
10 Now a river went out of Eden to water the garden, and from there it parted and became four riverheads. 11 The name of the first is Pishon; it is the one which skirts the whole land of Havilah, where there is gold. 12 And the gold of that land is good. Bdellium and the onyx stone are there. 13 The name of the second river is Gihon; it is the one which goes around the whole land of Cush. 14 The name of the third river is Hiddekel;^[b] it is the one which goes toward the east of Assyria. The fourth river is the Euphrates.
15 Then the LORD God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to tend and keep it. 16 And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, “Of every tree of the garden you may freely eat; 17 but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.”
18 And the LORD God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.” 19 Out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the air, and brought them to Adam to see what he would call them. And whatever Adam called each living creature, that was its name. 20 So Adam gave names to all cattle, to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper comparable to him.
21 And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. 22 Then the rib which the LORD God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man.
23 And Adam said:
“This is now bone of my bones
And flesh of my flesh;
She shall be called Woman,
Because she was taken out of Man.”24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

Thanks to Bible Gateway for the quote!

One thing that I read that made things very clear for me in terms of our womanhood was in a Bible study for parents. The book pointed out that as God created the Universe, He got progressively better and better. He started with the Heavens and the Earth and progressed through the sky and the waters, the land, the animals, and then man. Each time the creation becomes better.

What was the final creation that God placed in the garden? You’ve got it! Woman! We are God’s ultimate masterpiece. I try to always remember this when I feel as though I’m failing to follow God’s words for me and failing as a woman. Keep in mind that Proverbs 31 describes the ideal woman. This is the thing to which we are to aspire, not the thing which we are to necessarily be. Our effort is as important to God as our success!

I felt from your comment that the ideal is part of what is bothering you, and I understand that. My very first struggles came from there. “But I can’t be that woman!” I would tell myself. And if I couldn’t be that woman, I figured “why try?” I got over it, and I feel better for it.

My husband and I have talked a lot about the biblical directives for men and women. I don’t read the books for men because I get frustrated that we own them and he doesn’t read them, to be perfectly honest with you. But he’s right when he says that the directives for men are more intense and that there are more of them. Men have a great responsibility: they are the heads of their families, ordained to be so by God Himself. They are answerable to Christ, while we, as women, are answerable only to our husbands, if we are married.

I’m not going to give you a lecture about respecting your husband with regard to this issue, because personally, I think it’s bull. Men are directed to love their wives and to not deny them sexual pleasure, lest they seek out other avenues of receiving this pleasure. Sex is part of us feeling loved and valued and cherished as women.

The number one thing that L and I have done is decided to NPP. Hormonal birth control makes me sick and kills my libido. Condoms are uncomfortable for him, and make it difficult from his end. Natural family planning is great, except that I ovulate a lot. Twice between periods, usually, so that doesn’t work. Which leaves a diaphram, which is just as cumbersome as a condom and can be just as much of a mood-killer.

I guess I’ve been rambling here a little bit. The truth is that we don’t have much of a “plan” in place for getting this situation taken care of. His stress levels are quite high and it’s killing his libido. I understand that. He’s tired at the end of the day and sex takes work. But I’m tired, too, and still want to get some!

I guess one must consider the fact that men must get an erection in order to have sexual intercourse. Women, however do need to have some degree of moisture in order to enjoy the act without pain (although of course there are lubricants for that purpose). It’s hard to get past the “how do we deal with this” point, isn’t it?

I’m truthfully not sure. I’ve been working hard to show him more respect, appreciation, admiration and devotion. I think it’s helping. It also doesn’t hurt that I’m doing some “extras” in terms of taking care of myself, including shaving… Well, you know 😉