I have not, for the record, dug back through my own posts, but I believe that I have addressed this issue briefly in the past. However, my thoughts have not been quite clear for quite some time and I believe I might have managed to confuse the issue more than clarify it.

I am going to start and end with complete honesty. Honesty is more than just my policy, it is my way of life. I want everyone who reads this blog to know who I am and what I represent in terms of the lifestyle that I live (though I won’t be giving out personal details. Sorry!). Anyway, here goes.

I have been interested in spanking and “impact play” since I was too young to remember. My first real memory of really thinking about the subject was when I was four years old. That should tell you something. This interest has been with me for so long that it is completely ingrained in my personality and who I am. I can’t escape it and it will always be with me (for as long as I live, I’m sure!).

When I was seventeen years old, I first got the internet. I found a chat room that interested me and began to do some internet role play in chat rooms. The room did primarily fantasy play, but it wasn’t long before suddenly spanking came into the picture in the form of internet age play. I loved this! I was getting a need filled that I didn’t realize was ever going to be filled.

As a result of my obvious interest, I was referred to #submission on Dalnet. I joined the channel and occasionally chatted there, but not nearly as much as I spent time in the previously mentioned room. Around the time that I turned eighteen, I posted some personals ads on various sites (including the old hotmail personals ads) and I met a man, a master. We learned and grew a great deal together just through e-mail discussions, and as a result, I got kicked out of #submission (they thought we were both the same person! What a riot!). I moved on to another channel, and it was there that I felt that I truly discovered and learned my true calling.

Age play and domination and submission are great, but they weren’t really fulfilling for me. I had my moments where age play really helped me to reach a cathartic point not through sensation, but through the attached emotions. I just loved it! However, what I discovered in that second Dalnet channel was the Gorean way of life. It wasn’t explained to me in that way at the time, but I quickly adopted the mindset of a slave, and it stayed with me for a very long time. I sought out men who considered themselves dominant or “masters” and I sought out a few women who considered themselves “mistresses.” I ate it up, and when I really discovered Gor (for real), I truly felt in my element.

Please understand that I have never been attached to the “fantasy” element of Gor. I don’t do any services that involve fantastic food or drink (the food and drink of Gor) but my mindset was and has remained that of a Gorean woman, whether that woman is in bondage or not. I felt at home, and I felt filled up with something that was a dream come true. Though I have never been in a “real life” relationship with a Gorean man, I have known several (in real life) and have yearned for it for a very long time.

When I first met my husband, he was interested in BDSM and the master/slave power exchange, but not in Gor. I fell in love with him, but felt frustrated with his disinterest in what meant so much to me. I saw the potential in a strong dominant personality, and I saw the potential to get my attitude and defiance under control. Gor took away the necessity to be submissive in order to be a slave. I could be dominant and still be a slave, and I loved that!

The problem was always my desire (not need, but desire) to be in control. I was bratty, and I believe that my husband gave up hope. I felt that he wasn’t taking control, and would hand out and withdraw my submission and consent on such a regular basis that it embarrasses me now. I was in the wrong place during the wrong point in my life, and I had forgotten why I was there in the first place.

I haven’t always been a Christian. In fact, until about eight months ago, I was a very determined pagan who believed that I was right and the rest of the world could go to hell. I would never have phrased it quite that way to anybody, but that’s how I felt. I won’t go into how and why things changed for me, as I’ve done that already in other posts (two, I believe).

The conversion did a few things to me. The first thing was that it made me angry. Suddenly I saw myself identified as a woman, and as a woman as less than my husband. I lacked understanding of my role within my relationship with my husband and therefore fought tooth and nail for what I felt that I “deserved.” There is that selfishness again, right?

However, after several months I began to think again about domestic discipline (something that has always been present alongside the master/slave power exchange for us). I joined some groups, did some talking and some reading, and began to understand what it meant. I will have to copy and paste a post that I made in my myspace blog to here to give you an idea of what I mean by the change, particularly as the real change occurred only over the weekend!

My mindset has been gradually changing, and I have gradually come to understand myself, my place in the world, and I have learned to identify myself differently. I no longer identify myself as a slave, or even as a woman: I identify myself as HIS wife. It’s specific, because each relationship is inherently different, and there are things that make us unique compared to other couples. Every household is run differently. It is important for me to identify myself as his.

Anyone who has participated in the BDSM or the master/slave world might understand that last sentence. I am HIS. My identity is AS HIS. Our dynamic is no different than it was before, but our closeness and my identity is different. One other thing that has changed is that rather than both of us being self-focused, we are learning to be centered on one another. This is an improvement in our relationship FOR US. Your mileage may vary, of course!

The master/slave dynamic is still there, but there is no power transfer as there used to be (I hate the term exchange because it isn’t accurate in terms of BDSM). Instead, we have a true power exchange. He empowers me through his dominance and I empower him through my submission, in particularly when this submission is given to him as a gift rather than out of obligation.

His Bella suggested that I am a dominant. First of all, I am a grammar freak and don’t accept dominant as a noun (I’m laughing here, so you should be, too!). It is an adjective. Am I a dominant woman? Absolutely, positively YES. However, I choose to behave in a submissive manner because that is what is pleasing to my spouse and what I crave deep within my heart.

The belly of a wife can burn just as brightly as the belly of a slave. We just use different terms!

We have experienced some life-changing events of late. We have been very close to the ending of our marriage due to attitudes and behaviors that are harmful to it. I believe that we have both been entirely too fed up to deal with one another and to live in harmony with one another. Neither of us has been happy, and we have each been treating the other badly. The end result has been what I now see as a power struggle which has resulted in hurt feelings across the board.

There is no shortage of advice for frustrated wives who’s husbands aren’t treating them as they would like to be treated. It comes from various sources, including blogs, websites, forums and groups. There is no getting away from it, provided that you’re actually making an effort to save your marriage. Books scream it, forum members preach it, groups often seem to shove it down your throat. The answer is inevitably that the wife, the woman, needs to be more submissive, needs to be more this, needs to do more of that. We hear so frequently about “love in action” and are given specific examples of how we can exhibit it.

I’ve read several books, I’ve joined several forums. I have gotten advice, and I have struggled to put it into practice. “Your actions determine how you feel” is what the books teach, what my husband preaches. Unfortunately, for me, it doesn’t work that way. My actions aren’t leading the emotions: the emotions are leading the actions. I often get caught when I am not feeling well or I am feeling particularly tired. In short, my defenses are low and I am emotionally weak during these points in time. I have discovered that these are the times that my husband is most likely to leave me to “work things out” myself. He thinks he is teaching me coping skills. Unfortunately, what he’s doing is destroying our marriage by inciting anger in the name of teaching me something. I apologize for the strong wording, but this is true. If you will bear with me, I’m going somewhere significant with this.

God knows everything about me. He knows my lack of coping skills and He understands my personality. He is very aware that my actions rarely lead my emotions and that I have been unable to make this work for me. I almost never wake up in the morning with a smile on my face: I am a stay at home mom, I wake up exhausted!

For a long time, because I do stay at home with our daughter and do most of the care for her, I have felt stressed and unappreciated (this is common, I think). I have been aware not only from the way that my relationship works, but from my readings of the books (some of which are listed on the left) that the wife’s feelings are insignificant to her husband’s feelings. I have felt put-out and undesirable, as though God Himself doesn’t care enough for me to protect me not only from my husband and my marriage, but from myself.

Before I proceed, I want to re-iterate that it has been years since I claimed to be a “great” submissive or a “true” submissive (I hate this term anyway). Those who have claimed this of me must be thinking of somebody else. I am not naturally submissive in the least. I struggle with submission every hour of every day of my life, submission to my husband and submission to God. I’ve mentioned this in almost every group I’ve ever joined. I know that this is a struggle for me and I am honest enough to admit it. So if you’re one of those who has been on their high horse and e-mailing me about how I’m not who I say I am, suck it up and move on to your next victim! I’m done with you!

Good to get that out of my system. Now I’m moving on. Thank you for bearing with me!

I’ve been desperately wrong about a lot of things in my marriage. There were things that I didn’t see and things that weren’t revealed in the books, forums, groups and magazines. As yet, I haven’t run into this “problem” in any of the books, forums or groups that I have read unless I’m the one who has brought it up (and only very recently).

The problem isn’t a lack of submission; it isn’t a lack of service: it isn’t a lack of a smile on the face; it isn’t gossip and it isn’t language; it isn’t lack of love; it isn’t a desire to hurt my husband: It is a desire to get my own way one hundred percent of the time.

Sound familiar? If you’re in a struggling marriage, it probably should! Think about it: What woman doesn’t want to get everything she wants all of the time? Who among us has never (and I mean never in the strictest sense of the term!) tried to manipulate our husband so that we would get our own way? How many of us are able to cheerfully submit every single time that our husbands make a selfish decision? How many of us are truly happiest when his needs are met and our own aren’t?

My needs haven’t been getting met. I accept and see love in so many different forms that it shouldn’t be difficult to hit one of them at least half of the time, but my husband has been struggling with this. He has been struggling to put me before himself. When we first returned to domestic discipline, this was one of my single greatest fears: that he wouldn’t be able to put me high enough on his mental list to take care of me. Because of his selfishness I didn’t trust him, and I could hardly live with him. I was always on my guard to see what bad decision he was going to make for me next, based on his own wants and needs. I guarded my heart against the wrong thing: my husband!

What a tragedy!

I have been so busy keeping track of my husband’s “list” that I haven’t paid any attention to my own. Where does God come on that list? My husband? I can’t honestly say, though I know that my behavior has demonstrated that I am in the number one place on my own list. My daughter probably comes in second, with God and my husband further down. I know that they both place, because I pray, and often pray for my husband. However, these two need to be in the number one and number two slots on that “list.”

I have prayed, and wondered why God hasn’t been answering my prayers. Could it be that my heart hasn’t been in the right place for a long time? Could it be that He isn’t answering me because I am so busy trying to answer myself? While God does help those who help themselves, He also helps those who put Him first in their lives.

I have made a mistake. I haven’t been tithing of my own time, or tithing in my marriage, or tithing in anything else that is important to me. I haven’t been letting God in, and this has been an enormous mistake. I haven’t been following the two laws which Christ gave us: to love God above all else and our neighbors as ourselves.

Some of this might have come out of a lack of understanding, but primarily I believe that it has come out of selfishness. My needs haven’t been met in a way which is helpful to me in so many years (since I was a child) that I have always had to struggle to get my needs met and to meet them on my own. My trust has faltered as a result of this emotional sensation, and I have developed such a difficulty in putting anybody else’s needs before my own that I have essentially “screwed myself”.

When my husband first lost his job, I blamed everyone. Where was God when this horrible thing happened? Where was His provision and His protection? What on earth was He doing for ME (number one!)? How could He allow such a terrible thing to happen to my family?

Over the course of that evening, and through talking to one of my friends from one of the forums that I am on, I began to sense a change in my heart. The tension in the house had been palpable and thick, and gradually it began to evaporate. I could feel my husband relaxing for the first time in more than a year, and I felt myself beginning to calm down and feel a sensation of inner peace that seemed to permeate throughout the entire house. In the course of an hour (literally!) everything changed between us.

Isn’t it amazing how quickly this can happen? I will write about that later, I am sure, but for now I want to focus on what happened that night, and what changed in me.

I have spent the last several days focusing on the needs and desires of my husband. I have asked him at least half a dozen times every day “what can I do for you?” If I anticipate a need, I meet it before he can ask or before I can ask and be told “no.” The service and selflessness is gradually beginning to return into our relationship, from both sides (his and mine).

The submission still isn’t perfect. While I am submitting, I am not giving my submission. I think that I will be able to get there, though, with time and a lot of concentration on the new developments within my heart. I am learning to pray more effectively for my husband and learning to meet his needs before my own. In so doing, I am learning again how to trust him to meet my needs.

This is an amazing discovery and an  amazing journey. Thank you for being willing to share it with me!

I also wanted to add that I completely revamped my website and have added three articles. More will be written over the course of the next several weeks and uploaded, and I hope to manage frequent updates (at least weekly) beyond that point in time. Our forum is still very available for anyone who wishes to join and enjoy discussion on topics of domestic discipline (Christian and otherwise) and hopefully the articles will be helpful to some people who are just starting to explore domestic discipline.

I am not perfect, but I want to be. I want to be the perfect wife for you, a perfect mother to our child(ren). I want to be fit and beautiful and loving. But I’m not perfect. In fact, I have a lot of problems in my life. I fight a battle with depression and anxiety, and I am overweight, and not always the loving wife that I want to be. I don’t always act with respect for you, and I don’t always feel it.

Sometimes I am hurting and lonely, and these are the times that I need you. When I am feeling cheerful and happy, I need you to join me in my happiness, because often it doesn’t last nearly as long as I would like. I need for you to be present with me, to listen to me when I have a concern, and to hold me when I cry.

In short, I need to be loved. Can you do this? Can you love me through everything, the good times and the bad? That is the promise, isn’t it? If you can’t, I need to know. If you can’t, I think I might need to go… I’m frightened right now, and I’m hurting. I am weeping, inside and the tears are also rolling down my cheeks. Please love me enough to get through this with me.

Yours.

I want to have some detail writing here, and try to connect with a part of myself that is definitely very much alive and well, but I also don’t want to be judged for the decisions that I have made, either by the “vanilla” community or by the BDSM community. Please do bear with me. This is going to be difficult.

First of all, by definition I am not a masochist. Pain does not bring me pleasure in any sense of the word (although at one point it did) and I prefer to receive that pain from a voluntary giver, rather than coercing someone into committing the act that brings the pain about in the first place. So no, I am not a masochist.

I have always had an interest in spanking. When I say always, I seriously mean that for as long as I can remember, I’ve been seeking startles. I would listen intently when my friends talked about getting spanked, I would find parts of books that discussed this issue, I would watch old episodes of “I Love Lucy” just looking for that moment when Ricky takes Lucy over his knee and wallops the heck out of her! From a very young age I really enjoyed these things.

Young spankos are an interesting thing, and we’re difficult to understand, I think. When I was young I associated spanking with childhood. Although I did see those old episodes of “I Love Lucy,” I never really could connect with them. It was odd to me, and funny, when I was a child. When I grew up, I naturally grew into Age Play. It was the only way that I could make sense of the desire that I had for discipline. It didn’t matter what form the discipline took, as long as it was discipline. As an adult, I have gotten aroused even by writing assigned essays!

What gets me is the control. I don’t think that I am especially unusual. My husband and I are equal, and always have been, even when we were practicing a master/slave relationship. I think that is why m/s never really worked for us: our equality. I am included in major decisions, and if we disagree we work to reach an agreement before a final decision is made on any subject at all. It is very rare that we so much as compromise. We are very in tune with one another in this way.

The master/slave lifestyle was too difficult for us, but not for the reasons that you might think. I see the step to DD as a step up for us. It is important, dear reader, that you understand that for us it was a step up in terms of intensity, while for others it might be a step down. We never could quite make the master/slave lifestyle work for us, and the reason for that is that there were too many rules that were being imposed upon us by outside forces. Most of the rules and protocols were difficult to understand, and many of them were without reason beyond “because someone said so.” It was confusing for me (and I was in the m/s lifestyle for ten years before we made the switch!) and I can’t imagine what it was doing to his head, because it certainly wasn’t stoking his ego!

M/s didn’t fly for us with a young family. I didn’t want my daughter growing up to question why we had made the choices that we had made with regard to this lifestyle, and I feel that I’m fair in believing that. I don’t want her to have to struggle to see the strength in her mother, or to grow up seeing me struggle with a submission that I don’t understand.

I’m not saying that I don’t have struggles of my own, because I do. The difference for me is in part that now I have Christ, and additionally that I know that I will be held accountable for my actions. I felt as though for us, m/s meant that I was entirely accountable only to myself and was responsible for self-discipline. Sure, I could be punished physically or by removal of privileges or some such, but it almost never happened. My husband was constantly disappointed because I couldn’t figure out what he expected of me.

Domestic discipline made it easy for me. I looked first to the experiences of others, both by discussing the topic of relationships with them and by reading books that dealt with marriage. Then I turned to the Bible, cross-referenced and really began to understand what my husband needs from me. Gradually, I am beginning to give him what he is looking for: respect. It goes deeper than that, and I am becoming a natural servant, not because I have to, but because it makes me feel good to put him first. When I was in the m/s lifestyle I always felt like I was still putting myself first and that I was the one who was in control.

I’m still fighting to give up that control. I am at this point “unable” to withdraw my consent. Now of course the fact is that I could tell him that I wanted out of this relationship and he wouldn’t have a leg to stand on legally (and he would let me go if that was what I wanted). But our bond is stronger for the choice that we have made.

All this being said, swan is right when she says that DD is a subset of BDSM. It is irritating to me, too, when people say that it isn’t.  Just read 1 Peter 3:5-6:

5For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, 6like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master.

We are defining and redefining and seemingly trying to pigeonhole one another. I find it irritating that this is being done. I am part of the BDSM world, but I am apart from it as well (notice syntax, please). After all, the D in BDSM also stands for discipline (as well as domination).

I would like to add here that I, too, have read Sara’s posts and understand very much of what she is going through. Marriage alone can be a very bumpy and emotional journey, and when you throw discipline into the mix (whether it is m/s or domestic discipline), the ride can become smoother, but it often also has more ups and downs. She has been experiencing some major difficulties in her life recently, including the loss of her father and her struggles to connect with her husband, Grant, in the way in which she wishes to connect. If you have a moment, please stop by her blog and offer some support.

Argh! I feel so frustrated right now! That’s all for today… I don’t have a whole lot to say!

Admittedly, the biggest problem that I have in my own life is my self-discipline. This is not something that was particularly fostered in me when I was growing up, and I have fallen out of sync with myself and my own rhythms over the years as well. Something certainly needs to change. I need to develop a heart that cares not only for others but also for myself. I need to work internally so that the change can be shown externally. I cannot care for others if I fail to care for myself.

Have I posted about this before? I’m sure that I have. But I have found myself getting off-track with what I want and what I need. It is something that my husband and I need to discuss in detail as well, at some point in the future. Hopefully we will be able to get together on the same page and he can assist in keeping me on track.

I am going to go through a process with this post, so I really hope that those reading will be able to bear with me and see me through this. I believe that this post will be helpful not only to me, but also to others who are experiencing domestic discipline or Christian domestic discipline for themselves.

To begin with, at this particular moment in time I am feeling disconnected, both from my husband and from God Himself. I know that God is always there, and I believe that my husband is an ever-present support as well. Sometimes we simply disconnect, particularly when I begin to struggle. I need to reach this point of connection again, and therefore I am going to begin working on my self discipline.

My plan is as follows. I hope that everyone will be able to follow this:

Bedtime no later than midnight. I have a terrible habit of keeping myself up late at night and sleeping late in the morning. This is partially due to the change in seasons and partially due to the oncoming depression that I am facing. This needs to get under control, both the bedtimes and the “getting up” times. I will ask my husband for support in this and to be sure that I am in bed between eleven and midnight.

Waking up no later than 8 am. Generally speaking, we both sleep until nearly nine in the morning and then get up when the baby is awake. She sleeps as late as we do. This system hasn’t been working for me. I have no time for breakfast or to get my husband to the door and off to work. I feel that this is part of my duty as his wife, to see him to the door, and I am not happy about my lack of having done so.

I would prefer to be up at 7 am, but I know that this won’t initially be possible due to emotional and mental struggles.

Starting the day with prayer. This is not currently my habit, and it is unfortunate. I have two books of devotions that are wonderful and which I need to begin using to guide my morning prayer time. For some time I was reading my Bible every morning, but I got off track initially because I am struggling through Leviticus at the moment and also because I couldn’t get into a routine with the reading. Prayer and Bible study need to begin the day, and I think that I will find more motivation.

Breakfast has to happen. Both for the baby and for myself, breakfast has to happen. This meal is too often ignored not only by me, but by others. This is affecting my metabolism as well as making both of us cranky throughout the day. She usually has a bottle for breakfast but I believe that we both need to put something solid on our stomachs early in the morning, preferably before nine o’clock.

Devotions make good blog topics. Blogging my devotions would give me the opportunity to focus on them rather than read them, pray, and then forget about them. I need to be internalizing these things if I am really going to improve in my own life. This is important for me, and I think that it could benefit some of my readers as well.

This should be done in the morning, before lunch at least.

What happened to housework? I am not a self-motivated individual, as I’ve said. This needs to change, because I truly do see the time that I spend on housework as being a special time that I spend with God. I can work when the baby is asleep or allow her to enjoy watching me and learning from my own actions. I need to spend at least an hour every morning working on the house and getting it in good order. Right now it is very cluttered and that needs to change, and fast!

Lunch is also important! Likewise, it is rare for me to eat lunch. The baby always has a solid lunch, but it is very rare that I do myself. This is something else that needs to change if I am going to really take care of myself and become an all-round healthier person (mentally and physically).

Homeschooling starts in infancy. Good discipline in general starts in infancy. Our children are dependent on us to show them how things should be done, and to spend time with them. I need to start working with the baby more than simple play on a daily basis. We need to begin reading together, preferably from a children’s Bible. We need to start playing learning games and working on developmental skills more as well. Her development is ahead for her age and size, and I would like to see her continue to progress.

Mom’s Daily “Time Out.” So often we as mothers don’t get a moment to ourselves to shower, dress nicely, or to do much of anything we really want to do for ourselves. Most of our time is spent for our children, or our husbands, or in my case for everybody (because I am obsessive about trying to help everyone I can find!).

I need to take time daily for at least a shower (I prefer some time in late afternoon) and to do my hair and makeup for my husband. I know that he would appreciate this and it would make me feel better about myself.

Journaling. When I first started using this blog, I wrote every day, some days more than once (as I have today). Then I got side-tracked and fell off the wagon in a way, I suppose. I need to start journaling every single day, and it is important for me to do so. I need to write about what happened during my day, what I accomplished, and rather unfortunately any punishments that I received that day (not including maintenance).

I ask that anyone who is reading this who prays please offer prayers for me. this is going to be a long row to hoe for me but I am faithful and eager to see the results of the work involved in making my life and family better!

About nine weeks ago now our cat had five kittens. I was thrilled that all of them survived, until the first time that she hid them and stopped feeding them. We rescued them, obtained bottles and formula, only to find that she picked up the feeding again. She abandoned them once more, and unfortunately two of the kittens simply failed to thrive. Within a three day period, ending yesterday, we had lost both of them.

I am wounded, and I am hurting. I know that they are only cats, and there are those among us who are grieving the loss of their human family, but I was attached, and loved these two little boys more than I probably should have. Losing them was disruptive to my lifestyle, and I am going downhill now. The depression started some time back, triggered by a feeling of not being needed.

I really slid downhill from there, but now I’m getting back up on my feet, quite gradually I’m afraid. Hopefully things will begin to go better from today forward, although it’s raining, and the rain certainly doesn’t help!

Apparently talking about pregnancy, trying to conceive, or marital issues is offensive to some people. I guess that my selfish and stupid love of an animal makes me naive and “very young.” Maybe I give the impression by my writing that I am in my teens or very early twenties. I am pushing thirty faster than I would like to admit, and I don’t consider myself “very young” though I’m sure to some that’s barely starting life.

I guess that many Christians feel the need so to evangelize and to change minds that they forget about the hearts of the people they are trying to change. Let us remember that it is Satan who works in the mind and God who works in the heart. To those who forget this principle, please remember that it is the heart you are working to change when you evangelize, not the mind.

Everybody says hurtful things now and again. I think that we all get angry from time to time. Some of us have more of a filter than others, and I am one of those who does not yet have enough experience to have the control that some possess. I am working on it, and if I need your help, for goodness sake I’ll ask for it!

The thing is that there is a way of gently pointing out when a mistake is made. Moderators on some forums to which I belong are pros at this, and I would currently like to highlight Traditional Christian Marriage as one of these wonderful caring communities with moderators who are seriously invested in the betterment of the Christian and the DD community. It’s a great group to join, but does require approval and the owners are very busy people, so please give them some time if you decide to apply for membership!

The first thing I did when I began to overcome anger and reached that time when I was feeling hurt, vulnerable and frightened was to go there and seek guidance. I didn’t go to my own forum or even to my blog. I went to TCM, where I know that people will read, understand, and support rather than tear down. You kill far more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.

I’ve been through a lot in the past few weeks, and I’m feeling very lonely right now. My faith is shaken to the core because when something like this happens I begin to wonder how God could possibly love me and want me when I’m such a terrible person as to receive such hateful comments in my inbox. Perhaps the comments weren’t intended to come across as hateful, but they hurt me a great deal at a time when I wasn’t emotionally equipped to handle anything more.

I need time to really think about where I want to go from here. In my previous life people weren’t so critical of one another, at least within the context of the faith I practiced. I find that with Christianity everyone seems to always be looking for some way of changing another person and making them more “right.” I guess it makes people feel good to be “right.” I don’t evangelize because I feel that it is inappropriate and can damage the growing relationship with God that the individual on the receiving end may be experiencing.

I am too new and fragile to face strong negative criticism. There are ways to be constructive and I feel that all moderators need to know the value of being constructive in criticism. How about something like “Your site looks beautiful and I’m sure that it will help many people, but we simply don’t feel that it is appropriate for our members to see it at this time.” For the record, I’m not talking about a DD site but a Christian Women’s site that focuses on pregnancy and parenting. That is a lot better than telling someone that their site is “embarrassing” and that they are “very young.”

I’m crumbling, dear readers. I am too vulnerable and often too weak to be able to handle things like this without God right by my side and at this moment I’m feeling abandoned by Him. I reacted to the message I received rather than really giving it enough thought or venting or calling my husband first. I allowed myself to become more hurt than I should have permitted and I feel that I failed in that regard, too. I have free will and can choose to continue to associate with a site like that. So why do I tend to want to stick around?

The truth is that I am a glutton for punishment. I experience guilt still, though I usually deal with it when the occasion arises. But now I am feeling so wrong for something that is important to me. If Christianity means having to give up every single one of my hobbies (and I’ve given up a lot of things that were important to me because I felt that it was what God wanted me to do), I don’t know that I can do that. If God thinks that everything about me is wrong, doesn’t that by extension mean that He thinks that I am wrong?

I can’t pray right now. I don’t have the energy to do so. It isn’t that I’m angry with God, but that I feel as though I shouldn’t bother him with such stupid problems. Obviously the more seasoned (older) Christians are right and I am wrong. So why bother God with this problem? I hear it all the time. Everything I believe is wrong and called into question, and I didn’t think I believed all that differently from most Christians! Perhaps I just don’t trust God to help me right now as I don’t trust my husband to comfort me when I’m feeling like this. Wounds from childhood that I can’t seem to overcome.

I can’t pray, so I suppose that it would be helpful if others could pray for me. I feel lost and am about to give up my faith entirely if something doesn’t change and this insanity doesn’t stop!

These individuals are entitled to their viewpoints. However, one thing that really gets my hackles up is the use of absolutes on their statements. “Christian domestic discipline is abuse” instead of “Christian domestic discipline could become an abusive situation in some relationships.”

Often, it seems that those who complain the most loudly have done little to understand our way of life or the fact that domestic discipline is different in every home. Not all homes employ spanking, but that makes those homes no less head of household environments than those that do employ spanking. Some wives write essays or are instructed to do research papers or Bible studies that help them to better understand their roles as Christian wives.

For the most part, opponents of Christian domestic discipline appear to fail to recognize the biblical rules for husbands and wives. Wives are to submit to their husbands. This is biblical. Certainly the Bible doesn’t tell us that husbands should dominate their wives, and that is precisely the thing that many of us are actively avoiding.

Christian domestic discipline is a loving action between two people. It is a decision that two people make in order to be closer to God and to define their own roles within the marriage. It takes different forms for different people.

To the author of the blog I just happened to view: This blog is also free to the public and discusses issues of domestic discipline. It doesn’t cost my visitors a dime to see what I have to say. I strive to be open and honest about my relationship: I love domestic discipline. I am happier and less depressed and irritable for it. My self-esteem has never been higher. I have never felt a greater peace in my relationship.

Perhaps before you go about criticizing, you should talk to people who have lived this lifestyle. Engage in open communication rather than a closed blog communication. I approve all non-spam comments in this blog. Whether the individual is for or against domestic discipline.

Over at Being a Head of House I found an interesting post regarding positive reinforcement. This is something that I have had a lot of cause to consider in recent weeks.

I have been working harder at general household things. I’ve always been terrible about doing the things that I know I should. Honestly, I felt as though someone else should be doing them for me. When I was growing up, many of those skills weren’t learned because I had no role whatsoever in keeping the home. I felt (quite unjustly) that my husband should do at least half of the work at home, in spite of the fact that I am a stay at home mom!

It took a long time to understand why my attitude was wrong.

Then I figured out that it needed to get done. He wasn’t going to do it, and that left me. My attitude was still wrong, but it was a step in the right direction. So I went to my husband and asked him for a “reward” for each room that I got thoroughly deep cleaned. For me, that meant something “nice” for the room. I am holding to this bargain simply because there are a lot of things that we don’t have but need in order to make our home complete. It’s looking better, but not nearly there yet.

However, at the time I thought of the reward (item) as being the motivation to get the work done. Needless to say, it didn’t work. Material things come and go — they aren’t a big deal. I didn’t have Christ at the time that I really first struggled with this issue, so I wasn’t particularly focused on what God wanted me to do: I was focused on myself, and myself only.

When I first found Christ, and began to understand my role as a woman, I was angry. I know I’ve said this before, but it does bear repeating. I believed that my role as a wife meant that I was of less value to God than my husband is. I felt rejected, frustrated, and very, very alone.

So I did what I always (used to) do when I feel frustrated. I had a tantrum. I rejected God, didn’t talk to Him for a few days, then tearfully admitted that I was confused and hurt and accepted His guidance after about two weeks. Needless to say, He gave it, and as He often does, He gave it in spades. I love God (Rare emoticon use there!)

So I was beginning to figure things out. My relationship with my husband was beginning to work out, but I felt like something was missing. The entire house was still a mess. My husband was stressed and unhappy and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why. God moment, you know?

I started three weeks ago with the bathroom. The bathroom is a big deal to me, and once it was clean, I felt a lot better. I got up the courage to discuss with my husband the idea of discipline on the days when nothing gets done in the house. Note that nothing means that even a small amount of work counts as work because it’s hard to say how the day went. I might have been dealing with a sick baby, or not been feeling well myself. I might have been ministering to a friend in need, etc, etc.

In any event, I understood something when the bathroom was done. My husband was happy. That night I ran him a hot bubble bath and lit candles in the bathroom for his comfort and enjoyment. The expression on his face was the reward that I needed! I was fired up! So I cleaned the living room!

He came home. He relaxed. I could see some of the pain he’d been feeling reducing (though he didn’t admit to it!). I could see him being more comfortable in his own home and in his own skin. This meant a LOT to me. My reward was right there!

Positive reinforcement isn’t always about reward or praise. Sometimes it’s about the expression on the face, or a touch of the hand. Women and men work differently: my husband needs to hear it. I don’t. I just need to see it, and know that he’s happy. His consistency is reinforcement enough for me now.

Thank you Cowboy!