Rewards and Praise

October 17, 2008 at 12:17 am (Domestic Discipline, Faith, Marriage, Submission)
Tags: behavioral issues, Domestic Discipline, housekeeping, punishment, reinforcement, reward

I just got back from a trip home to visit with some friends who were (and are) having a rough time, so please bear with me if I have spelling and grammar errors. I’m a bit worn out from the trip, especially considering that I wound up in the completely wrong state! Anyway, back I am, to posting as well!

Over at Being a Head of House I found an interesting post regarding positive reinforcement. This is something that I have had a lot of cause to consider in recent weeks.

I have been working harder at general household things. I’ve always been terrible about doing the things that I know I should. Honestly, I felt as though someone else should be doing them for me. When I was growing up, many of those skills weren’t learned because I had no role whatsoever in keeping the home. I felt (quite unjustly) that my husband should do at least half of the work at home, in spite of the fact that I am a stay at home mom!

It took a long time to understand why my attitude was wrong.

Then I figured out that it needed to get done. He wasn’t going to do it, and that left me. My attitude was still wrong, but it was a step in the right direction. So I went to my husband and asked him for a “reward” for each room that I got thoroughly deep cleaned. For me, that meant something “nice” for the room. I am holding to this bargain simply because there are a lot of things that we don’t have but need in order to make our home complete. It’s looking better, but not nearly there yet.

However, at the time I thought of the reward (item) as being the motivation to get the work done. Needless to say, it didn’t work. Material things come and go — they aren’t a big deal. I didn’t have Christ at the time that I really first struggled with this issue, so I wasn’t particularly focused on what God wanted me to do: I was focused on myself, and myself only.

When I first found Christ, and began to understand my role as a woman, I was angry. I know I’ve said this before, but it does bear repeating. I believed that my role as a wife meant that I was of less value to God than my husband is. I felt rejected, frustrated, and very, very alone.

So I did what I always (used to) do when I feel frustrated. I had a tantrum. I rejected God, didn’t talk to Him for a few days, then tearfully admitted that I was confused and hurt and accepted His guidance after about two weeks. Needless to say, He gave it, and as He often does, He gave it in spades. I love God 🙂 (Rare emoticon use there!)

So I was beginning to figure things out. My relationship with my husband was beginning to work out, but I felt like something was missing. The entire house was still a mess. My husband was stressed and unhappy and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why. God moment, you know?

I started three weeks ago with the bathroom. The bathroom is a big deal to me, and once it was clean, I felt a lot better. I got up the courage to discuss with my husband the idea of discipline on the days when nothing gets done in the house. Note that nothing means that even a small amount of work counts as work because it’s hard to say how the day went. I might have been dealing with a sick baby, or not been feeling well myself. I might have been ministering to a friend in need, etc, etc.

In any event, I understood something when the bathroom was done. My husband was happy. That night I ran him a hot bubble bath and lit candles in the bathroom for his comfort and enjoyment. The expression on his face was the reward that I needed! I was fired up! So I cleaned the living room!

He came home. He relaxed. I could see some of the pain he’d been feeling reducing (though he didn’t admit to it!). I could see him being more comfortable in his own home and in his own skin. This meant a LOT to me. My reward was right there!

Positive reinforcement isn’t always about reward or praise. Sometimes it’s about the expression on the face, or a touch of the hand. Women and men work differently: my husband needs to hear it. I don’t. I just need to see it, and know that he’s happy. His consistency is reinforcement enough for me now.

Thank you Cowboy!